Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Weird, huh?

...I'm thinking that our daughter has been born.
Like, in the last couple of days. Weird, huh?
This whole process (the 2+ years that we've talked about, worked on and waited for this adoption), I have honestly never felt really connected. I can't describe it. Intellectually, I've understood the process and known it was gonna happen, but it just hasn't seemed "real." It has been a big part of my life, but it hasn't dominated it. I don't mean to minimize things, everyone experiences life in different ways, but this just hasn't been a big deal for me. I have desperately wanted this child, but in a peaceful way. (and that comment will likely not make sense to anyone but me...)
Oh, JB will tell you there have been a couple of times that I've gotten inside my own head and questioned if we were doing the right thing. I think most of those questions were driven out of my feeling of not really being connected. I've doubted bonding. I have stressed (stressed...REALLY STRESSED) over the adoption trip, and I've wondered if the kid was even gonna like me. But, looking back, I did all that with WB too. (OK...I didn't stress about a trip to pick him up, but rather how he was gonna come out of my body.) My little worries (and big worries) have seemed to help with my patience. They have served a purpose...the wait hasn't really bothered me.
But now something has changed. It is weird...it is like I know she is really "there"...she's really gonna happen for us.
I have a friend who delivered her son on the same day I delivered WB. We aren't close. The circumstances of her life are much different than mine...vastly different ages (read that, she's young, I'm old), different backgrounds, different lifestyles...everything is different about us...except our sons share the same birthday. Well...three days ago she gave birth to her second child and ever since then, I have felt...really FELT...that "she" is out there.
We've talked about this baby girl for two years...over TWO years. Her name has been carved in stone. She's had a place in our plans, a place in our conversations, a place in our future; but now, suddenly, she really has a place inside her mama's heart.
And now, powers that be, I am ready for a picture to go with all that.
Weird, huh?

10 comments:

Dianna said...

I hope Jynger and Katie are listening! I'd love to see your baby's picture soon.

And I can relate with the 'disconnect'. Somehow, paperwork and homestudies and the U.S. Government don't combine to equal baby. Even now, with her photo, some days it seems so unreal.

rachel said...

That's so wonderful that you're feeling peaceful and actually FEELING your daughter's presence. I hope her picture pops up in your inbox soon, too!!!!

Julie said...

The disconnect is really hard. I went through that a few months ago.

I had that baby is coming soon feeling the other week. It's like a weird calm feeling. Only way to put it in words.

I sure hope it is an omen of more referrals coming soon.

Daniel and Jamie said...

I loved this post. I will be praying that you get that picture soon.

Heather said...

I just want to say that you have had and are having very normal feelings. I hope you hear some wonderful news soon. About the green paint - I almost fainted when I saw how "green" it was on bare walls in an empty room. For the sake of my husband's sanity, I didn't let on. Once the Garden Daisey rug from Pottery Barn went in, along with the white furniture and drapery, I was IN LOVE with the color choice. I hope Sarah loves the color forever because I can't imagine anything else in her room. Good luck with finding that perfect shade of paint - whatever color it may be.

Jessica said...

I hope you are right. Funny thing its I had that feeling for months before my referral. I was sure I woudl get a referral for a 3 or 4 month old and then I was shocked (and thrilled) when I got my referral and she was only 3 weeks old. So you never know.

Kelly said...

I'm so glad you are feeling connected.

I hope you are right and your daughter has started her journey toward your family. The steps we've taken so far are baby steps compared to the referral, but I feel like I'm ready for the next step, and I know you are. I want to see her picture and hold her hand so much it is hard to think about anything else. I hope your sense of connection is helping through this last bit of waiting.

I have to believe that the time is coming soon for you and then hopefully, soon after, for me!

Kelly

Jess and Paul said...

I had that same feeling also about our daughter's birth. One night, I just KNEW she was in the world (so much so I wrote down the date)...her given birthdate is exactly 1 month after I felt this feeling...but it is just an estimated B-day...so you never know! Just think...I bet she IS out there, it's a great feeling... you are getting closer!

Heather said...

I hope you are right. I was really thinking you guys would have had your referral by now ! :) Here's to good news coming soon! Heather M.

jjm said...

How amazing that you wrote this post only to find out that her birthday was the week before. That is VERY cool.

: ) jjm

Adoption Timeline

  • 01/01/08 - Home at Last
  • 12/24/07 - G & R
  • 12/18/07 - Travel
  • 12/7/07 - Travel Packet/VISA Authorization
  • 12/06/07 - I-600 Approval
  • 11/16/07 - I-600 Received for Review
  • 09/26/07 - Referral
  • 03/23/07 - Log in Date
  • 02/23/07 - Dossier to Vietnam
  • 02/08/07 - Dossier to Agency
  • 08/08/06 - Switched to Vietnam Program from China Program